Tribute

The words are hard to find.

To know another precious child died.

Alone.

Never having been told that she was loved. 

To never feel the heartbeat of her mother.

The soft breath of love on her little head as she slept on mama's chest.

But she WAS  loved. So loved.

She was loved by a mama who was working quickly to ransom her, a mama who's heart is broken today because her greatest efforts were not enough. Oh dear mama, I cry with you.

She was loved by me. We tried all we knew, took it as far as we could, to have her added to our adoption of Hope (Victoria) as we were well into the process and knew we could get there quickly. 

We were denied. Told that two children with such needs would not be possible. Not possible.

Instead she died.

I am saddened.

I am angry.

I am helpless.

...and I am frightened. Sick to my stomach-can’t breathe-frightened.

Why?

Because I know.

I know the building, I know the mindset, I know.

I know that it very easily could have been our Victoria (Hope).

I know that it STILL could be our Victoria.

Yes...the adoption is final. She is officially our daughter.

Our almost eight year old girl....our ten pound love. 

But we can't get her...not yet. There are still forms to be signed and hoops to jump through. Money to be raised.

We will take her from there Dec 14. ....and at that time a whole new set of concerns. Refeeding syndrome. Transatlantic flight.

Colds, flu, germs. So fragile, so very fragile, this daughter of ours.

I think back to our Sophia and of my ignorance and Gods grace.

She too was ten pounds .....she too was a few breaths away from death....and now? Now the most beautiful, joyful, incredible girl! 

I have no answers.

I have many questions.

I falter,

I waiver,

I weep at the injustice.

I feel hopeless.

So helpless.

.....but I do not want to live my life knowing.....I could have made a difference, and I turned away.

How about you?

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